
New historical evidence has come to light revealing a long forgotten king. DNA research has discovered that Richard IV actually ruled England for a short while.
Many people believe that Henry Tudor completely shanked Richard III and was crowned Henry VII on Bosworth field in 1485, thus heralding in the famous Tudor dynasty. However, it now seems that things were not so cut and dried. Bones discovered in Leicester, during the coronavirus lockdown, show that they actually belonged to young Richard IV who was a prolific practical joker, so much so that even the court jester failed to keep up with his japes. Sick of his son continually rhyming Richard III with turd, his father imprisoned him for his own safety in the Tower of London. He languished there forgotten and written out of history books for many years. He was finally released on the eve of the decisive Battle of Bosworth field aided by 2 princes, also from the Tower.
During the battle, with Henry breathing down his neck, RIchard III was heard to shout “my horse, my horse, my kingdom for a horse”, at which point a motley collection of Tudors, lobbed an old nag at him from distance. It was a direct hit and damaged the King’s spine - history previously claimed he suffered from a hunchback. From out of the battlefield carnage sprang forth a small impish boy wearing the King’s colours. It was in fact heroic joker Richard IV age 14. He tempted the horse off his father with a well placed sugar lump and following a brief but hilarious game of pass the crown with the 2 princes, declared himself King in front of a sobbing and petulant Henry. Shortly afterwards, his father died on the battlefield and people limped off to the pub.
To say Richard IV was a great leader, would be similar to suggesting that Boris Johnson was a great leader. His 6 day rule saw him manage to undo all the good that his predecessors had done to unite Britain. He mercilessly taunted the Scots with bawdy kilt jokes, insisted common folk should wear clown costumes between the hours of 2 and 5pm, and demanded lute players be permanently hunted to extinction
Richard IV ruled with a detachable rubber fist for 6 more joke-filled days before leaving for a holiday in Majorca with the 2 princes. In his haste to check in, he unwittingly left the castle doors unlocked, allowing Henry Tudor to crawl from under his rock again, retake the crown and change history.
Upon Richard’s death, the Tudor court had the last laugh when they buried him with his arms and legs reversed and a foot in his mouth.
Copyright 2020 @ David Fletcher
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