A new home based virtual fitness regime is garnering rave reviews across post-lockdown Britain. The Couch To 5 Feet workout is based on a complex system of trigonometry, feng shui and gentle aerobics and has been hailed by slackers, couch potatoes and fair weather runners, all eager to have something to prattle on about to their disinterested friends.
Anita Corbet, designer of the programme, claims that it is an incredibly motivating regime that only costs £165.99 and includes a wonderful victory medal upon completion. She also claimed that “it is easy to set up, even for struggling slackers.”
Larry Cohen joined Couch To 5 Feet last month and reckons to have lost 4 pounds, although he later found it again behind his sofa. “I find that having my worldly possessions in a 5 foot arc around me creates some great stretches without overdoing it or affecting my biscuit diet that runs alongside. I have my TV in the North house, together with my remote control, hip flask and mobile phone equidistant in the South. Not entirely sure what West and East do. I’m not covered in dust like on a normal run. Neither have I stepped in any roadkill or dog shit. I sleep much better now, particularly in the mornings. And the evenings.”
Trevor Dean from Leighton Buzzard also joined Couch To 5 Feet and reports that within days he had lost his remote control somewhere in the North house, along with an empty water bottle and a packet of Ginger Nuts. “I didn’t want a mouthful of Covid so this virtual exercise suited me just fine. I have no inclination to get fitter. I really just wanted a medal I could blather on about when the pubs reopen.”
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